Understanding Grief: What My Mother's Death Taught Me About Healing

As a therapist, I've sat with countless people as they navigated grief. I've helped clients process the loss of parents, spouses, children, pregnancies, marriages, careers, and dreams. I understood grief academically and professionally.

But on December 10, 2023, grief became deeply personal. My mother, my best friend, passed away after complications from breast cancer that had metastasized to her brain. Nothing prepares you for the moment when someone who has always been part of your story suddenly isn't there anymore.

Her passing came just before Christmas... four days before my 40th birthday (a milestone I had always imagined celebrating with her). So on my 40th birthday, I found myself (voluntarily) standing in a funeral home doing something I never imagined I'd have the strength to do. I was doing my mother's makeup. That birthday looked nothing like I thought it would. Instead of celebrating a new decade of life, I was saying goodbye to the woman who gave me life.

Grief Doesn't Follow a Timeline

One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it follows neat stages in a predictable order.

In reality, grief is messy.

Some days I felt strong.

Other days a song, a scent, or an old Facebook post would bring me to tears.

Sometimes grief looked like sadness.

Sometimes it looked like gratitude.

Sometimes it looked like laughter while telling stories about her.

Sometimes it looked like silence.

Healing wasn't about "getting over" losing my mom.

It became about learning how to carry her love with me while continuing to live my life.

Choosing What to Remember

One decision I made early in my grieving process changed everything.

I intentionally chose to focus on the life she lived instead of the illness that took her.

Cancer became part of her story, but it was never the whole story. And it definitely was not the ending to her story.

I didn't want my memories to become consumed by hospital rooms, medications, doctor's appointments, or her final days.

Instead...

I remembered her laugh.

Her wisdom.

Her strength.

Her unconditional love.

The way she showed up for everyone around her.

The memories we created long before cancer ever entered the picture.

That intentional shift helped me preserve who she truly was.

Leaning on My Faith

There were days when I didn't have the words to pray.

There were moments when anxiety threatened to overwhelm me.

During that season, one passage of Scripture became an anchor for my heart:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." — Philippians 4:6–7

That verse didn't erase my pain.

It reminded me I didn't have to carry it alone.

God's peace often met me in the middle of my heartbreak, not by removing the grief, but by giving me the strength to face one day at a time.

Don't Grieve Alone

Another gift during my healing journey was my sister and brother.

Grief has a way of making us want to isolate ourselves, but healing often happens in connections.

My siblings understood a loss that few others could fully understand because they were grieving our mother too.

We cried together.

We laughed together.

We remembered together.

We leaned on one another when one of us felt too heavy to stand alone.

I'm forever grateful that I didn't have to walk that road by myself.

What I've Learned as Both a Therapist and a Daughter

Today, I understand grief differently than I did before December 2023. Not because of another certification. Not because I read another book. But because I've lived it.

If you're grieving today, I want you to know this:

• There is no "right" way to grieve.

• Healing is not forgetting.

• Smiling again does not mean you've stopped loving the person you've lost.

• You don't have to be strong every day.

• It's okay to ask for help.

Most importantly...

Healing doesn't mean the absence of grief.

Sometimes healing simply means learning to carry both love and loss in the same heart.

You're Not Alone

Whether your grief comes from the death of someone you love, a divorce, a miscarriage, a job loss, or another life-changing transition, your feelings are valid.

Grief changes us. But it doesn't have to define us.

Healing is possible, even when the pain feels impossible.

At Day to Day Counseling & Consulting, we're honored to walk alongside individuals and families as they navigate life's hardest seasons.

You don't have to carry your grief alone.

With hope,

Krista Atkinson, LPC-S, BC-TMH

💚

"Grief is the price we pay for love. And because love never truly ends, neither do the memories that continue to shape who we are."